Here’s some sort of a mix between a self-letter and a open message to everyone who find it. I just have the need to tell something to somebody, so many words to express so many things, and I hope you can feel/enjoy this as much as I did writing it.
I’ve had a strong issue happening recently in my life. A lot, lot of things have changed in just a month, who would have said so. Her abscense and departure made me get into shock, and made me realize I had to make big changes in my life. So I took advantage and began doing so since the very beginning.
I wanted to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about many -if not every- aspects of my life, about who I am and how much do I know about myself. About what kind of life do I want for myself, and wether my last months lifestyle corresponded with it.
I’ve been thinking about the things I did wrong, as well as the things I did -and do- right. I’ve had plenty of time to think, too, about those things she/we did wrong, and those things of us who didn’t fit together.
I’m still very young, according to people I hang out with/work with. 4th year of college and first 20s is usually synonym of having good times, travelling, discovering the world and beginning to enjoy your imminent future as a professional on what you’re studying (fellowships, first job, …). But it wasn’t for me, and it was only my fault, due to my conformist and scary-of-new-things nature. I just had a little apartment for myself from where I went to classes and from classes to the apartment. Sure, I had friends here and there, but I never put effort in haging out with them. Nor I felt like travelling and making complementary formation to my grade. Zero spirit, if you know what I mean.
Months ago I was so busy complaining about everything I couldn’t even see all the signs who told me my life needed a change. I was so busy looking for support in everyone else that I didn’t realize it was me all the time the one who had to support himself at first. I was so obsessed to fulfill my life with daily pleasures that I let myself be swept away by everything. I was so distracted by my fears, the changes in everyone else’s life and the uncertainty that I didn’t have enough courage to take charge of my duties and my life in general, nor I deigned to listen to all the people who told me to do things like what I told before.
For my whole life I’ve acted passively, delegating almost every decision to my environment, or waiting for things to come/happen, trying to feel good inside my enclosured comfort zone. And this year (in the academical sense of the word) it reached its peak. All the unresponsibility and unawareness made me feel anxious, nervous, angry and temperamental. Blaming everyone for my own situation.
I was so wrong.
But that was over the day everything happened. I opened my eyes completely and I saw it. This thing we call ‘life’ isn’t forever, hence nothing in it is forever, so we have to put our maximum effort in making our life pleasant to ourselves. So, I realized I had to do EVERYTHING for myself. I had to be my own support. Since that moment I’m aware that I have to put effort in the things I do. I must train hard to like myself, to turn myself into what I want to be and what I’d like to be. I must appreciate the good side of everything (myself, my people, the things that happen daily), the good things in my life, and feel grateful for having such wonderful people around me, for having had such wonderful experiences with so many people, for my skills and virtues.
I told myself I had to change since that day.
And so I began to change. I realised I already had with myself all I needed to begin improving: just myself and my energy. All those negative thoughts, all that blackish aura around me, can be transformed in a powersource to fuel myself and convince me there’s a way out of what’s happening me.
I called out a friend and told him about jogging, and I’ve been doing it thrice a week, for four weeks (new record for myself). I’ve started talking to more people in classes, and saying “I’m up for it” almost instinctively whenever someone says about doing something. I’ve started hanging out for lunch with my labmates every tuesday, which is an awesome opportunity to know my people better.
I’ve started cooking new dishes and recipes, for myself and for my friends when we see each other. I’ve resumed playing the piano (self-taught) after a couple of years.
I’ve been planning the things I can do this summer: maybe sign up to laboratory practical credit courses (I’m biologist), online courses, language fellowships, get my driver license, make a travel, know more people, resume contact with old friends, and many, many more things.
I’ve started to read scientific papers of several subject of interest related to what I’d like to study when I’m PhD. I’ve started looking for post-graduate studies I could do (like a master on Evolutionary Biology), started looking for a place to stay next year when doing my after-grade studies, and taking everything to a level beyond.
I’ve realised the key for this is just avoid thinking ‘no’ as a first objection to anything that appears before my eyes.
It’s curious to see how all I’ve done was within reach. I already had all the tools.
Whenever I feel like I’m going down again, since it’s normal as we have to accept we won’t be okay all the time, I just think “these bad feels will go away and I’ll have energy again to do everything”. And so I go on. And I’ve been working fine like that for one month. And things slowly are beginning to change.
And suddenly people are starting to look at me with different eyes. Almost nobody rejects my company, people keep me in mind when planning things, and smile at me much more than before. And this gives me nothing but more energy, and the more energy I have, the better I feel and the more things I do, and finally the more I’m transforming into a developed person.
And suddenly, too, I’m realising about how much I have grown up, how many things I’ve done for myself, what are my best virtues, how much do I care for people who are important for me, and how far am I up to go for something.
Days have passed, and many more will pass. Many people will come and go, many things will begin and come to an end, as I keep making my way.
As time goes by, I’ve decided to forgive her and everything that was wrong between us. I’ve decided to stay only with the best memories, and with the lessons learned from the mistakes from the past. And as I forgive her, I forget the pain I’ve felt for her.
I’m forgiving myself. And doing that is making me even stronger.
I’ve decided to dream again with sunny shores, with places I’d like to go, with things I’d like to discover. I’ve decided to dream again with myself being the best.
The best at being myself.
The only words I have for her are thanks, and grattitude. Thanks to her for making me realize I have to evolve and develop myself. Thanks for sharing with me some of the best moments in a person’s life. Thanks for everything she taught me about me and about the world. Thanks to her, now I’m a much better person than before. I owe her many things, and I’m sure I’ve been a good, strong influence on her as well.
And, as a last act of respect, a huge wish for her to become whatever the kind of person she wishes to be, and as strong and shiny as I plan to do. Now she’s totally free of everything that attached us. That way, maybe the right person at some point of her life may see on her the same things I did, as well as many more.
Thanks for having been the Dawn of this period of my life. This is nothing but a sunset.